Can I complain like I want to… to vent and scream and release all the frustrations and emotional build up that I have inside… Is it okay to feel what I feel? I’m so used to hearing the voices in my head saying “shut up”, “no one wants to know”, “you’re always complaining”, and even more debilitating “can’t you just think of all the positive things in your life”.
Now I don’t disagree with these comments that are clearly my thoughts, I know they come from messages I’ve heard somewhere along my past path… (you only know what you know because you know it). The problem I have is it sounds like there is something “wrong” with me.
Now, maybe there is something “wrong” with me… but who gets to decide what’s right/wrong… who is the authority on whether complaining is “right” or “wrong”. Okay, you may say that God is the authority on this, and you may think of Moses and the murmuring that happened when they complained about the bitter food or sore feet as “just punishment”, but I think there were a lot of complainers in the bible. Consider Job, now he had pretty good reason to complain, his whole family were killed, all his animals and crops decimated and he had a very painful skin condition… if anyone had reason to complain, I’d say he would, and yet because of his suffering, he was able to see God (Job 42:5 “I had heard of you by hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you”). Many of the Psalms are complaints of lament, distress of the way the nations were. The difference comes when we use our complaining to justify poor behaviour or resentment. When there is bitterness associated with complaining, that’s a whole other thing.
So don’t get me wrong… I don’t think we need to be complainers and whine our lives away… what I do want to investigate is what is at the root of complaining… why do we complain?
The basic description of complaining is “ the expression of dissatisfaction or annoyance about something”. Sounds pretty simple enough right. According to etymological sources, the word was originally “lament”, and involved striking the chest, an extreme form of suffering. Therefore, when we complain, we are actually sharing “how” we are suffering with others. It’s a form of expression to explain our suffering, be it our own internal experience of it, or what someone else has imposed on us. Either way, it’s a communication of our discomfort.
According to Vanessa Pouthier, in her research in 2012 into “Griping and Joking as Identification Rituals and Tools for Engagement…”, she identifies that complaining was a form of connecting, or engaging, similar to that of joking. Therefore, complaining is a way of gaining connection, to be heard and acknowledged. She concludes that complaining therefore can have positive impact.
According to Robin Kowalski (Prof Psychology at Clemson University) “complaining is just something we do, like breathing – though hopefully not as often”. We all complain, we all suffer. How we express that lament, is individual and unique. Therefore, complaining is like a bonding activity. This can be helpful to express, but how does it impact the people we complain to, for instance consider if, once the complaining ends, does the relationship also? And what about the person who just doesn’t want to be listening to complaining all the time? So this brings about some interesting considerations.
Complaining should be unharmful to others
Complaining can be a way of expressing our suffering
Complaining is okay, as long as it’s not the only form of connection we have with other people.
So consider this… if you hear someone complaining next time, consider that maybe they are seeking connection and a need to be heard, that actually, it’s their way of expressing lament and what they really need is a listening ear and a kind heart.
And if you’re the complainer, remember it’s okay to complain, but don’t let it be your most prominent form of communication, or you might just find you have more reasons to complain.
What do you think?
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